ANBERLIN!

(:

Join fancorps if you happen to stumble on my blog. Doooooo it!

Chapter 1; Part 1; Now

This pillow might belong to Jesus. And let me tell you why in one sentence; It feels like heaven. I've never felt a softer pillow in my life. In my 17 years of life, not a single pillow has stood up to this one. I never want to leave it. And this blanket! Jesus Christ! Fucking amazing, its so warm, like a fresh white chocolate chip cookie out of the oven. And this blanket is cacooning me into pure happiness. So perfect. But of course, it's 7:15 which technically means i need to get up. Get up from this piece of heaven. My first thought was "No. Please don't do this to me."

School. Those 6 letters put together is what i despise the most out of life. Well, no i don't, i just wish school started at like 3 pm. That would be nice. I hate getting up early. I feel like its a chore, and i never do it.
I'm laying there, mentally forcing myself up, stretching, arching my back up to the sky. Rubbings the fucking sand out of my eyes. Why so much sand, i swear i could have my own beach. I finally get up, walk to the bathroom, wash my face, then i notice a hand print on my face. Great, i slept on my hand again. Why do I do that? I brush my teeth and let my shaggy hair stay the way it is, because "I don't care. " I walk back into my room. It's messy, paint splattered everywhere. I need to stop doing that. I spend the next 10 mins getting ready, driving to school, and eating my granola bar at the red lights. Deciding what i should listen to, Anberlin or Chiodos, in the end i pick the radio. Shit, i forgot my lunch money.

And of course, not a single parking spot. This is Yate Highs School for ya. I've been going there for about a month or so, and I love the experience of going to a new school. It's a habit you get from moving around so much. Dad's job, but of course. And the kids here, their weird... or maybe I'm weird. Nahhhhh. But in my opinon weird people are the best. I havent fit into any of the "groups" at this school. I never had. Now, i feel like i have no point too, because it all leads to drama. I wish life was more simple. Simplicity is really the answer to life The only time i ever felt like i was part of something that involved school, was at John Concord high school. Freshman year. That was a long time ago.

I always forget how long these hallways are. This school is so big. Ironically the state of Maine has some big schools, and just so many people. It can get overwhelming, or not. Finally, my favorite class English. I love English, mostly because I speak it, but it's the true reason why i love school. I sit at my seat and wait for the bell to ring. Kids flood the room 4 seconds before the bell rings. Hmm theres Ryan, 5 bucks he didn't read the pages last night.

"Hey Jake did you read the pages last night?"
I knew it. You owe me 5 bucks.
"Dude, I've been going to this school for a month and i already know more about this system than you do."
"Jake, no, you don't understand, please."
"Man, no."
"Please. Do i need to bat my eyes and twirl my hair?"
That would be funny.
"Yes."
"Jake, Ryan, be quiet. Now class, today, you'll be getting with a partner and you'll be telling each other stories. Not just ordinary stories, but stories that have effected your life somehow. This will be a three day project. Today one of you will be telling the other person a story, and tomorrow will be vis versa. Then on Wednesday you both will be comparing your stories and write an essay on the comparison of two stories. Now, get your partner and share."

Memories start flooding my head.
I smile to myself, and think about Christa. I think I'll pick that story. It's somewhat life changing, and defiantly important.

"Okay, dude, Jake, you go first, I don't feel like talking."
Ironically he won't ever stop talking.
"Ha, you don't have a story do you?"
"Mmmmm nope. I'll think of something tonight."
"Fine, my story is about a girl name Christa."
"Did you do her?"
I glare at him.
"Eeesh sorry, continue."

I stopped. I wasn't sure how to start. I mean you can't just say this story, it has to be set up so perfectly. I searched threw the files in my head to find where it all started. The first file i could find was one that said "Dissapointed."

The Orphaned Anything's;

“We do not believe in ourselves until someone reveals that deep inside us something is valuable, worth listening to, worthy of our trust, sacred to our touch. Once we believe in ourselves we can risk curiosity, wonder, spontaneous delight or any experience that reveals the human spirit.”-e. e. cummings

Honestly, I don't know how I do it. Stay so happy, and content with my life. Only few know how. And i think reaching this point of mind is one thing that is very hard to find. You can not search for this type of happiness, it comes too you.

Few grasp on to it, but its the epiphany you have once the idea of this type of happiness comes to you. We all seek Nirvana, but honestly, Nirvana is wrong in alot of ways. I could sit here and argue with my computer about the idea of it, but I won't. I wish I had a name for this type of happiness. I'll name it Nico for now.

Nico is a type of happiness that comes once you learn to look at everything for what it really is. For example; Realizing that a friend you've always had, is more than just a friend. That friend is really one of those friends who would die for you, and honestly mean it.
Nico is when you start to appreciate your friends, and tell them how good of a friend they are, and consistently remind them.

Nico is not just a happiness though, it is also a state of mind, when you really realize things. For example; I was walking down the hall today, and everything slowed down, i heard a funny conversation and laughed at it, smiled an went on my way. I saw this girl walking down the hallway opposite of me, and she also had a smile on, but it faded. As if humor wasn't good enough for her, as if the idea of being happy wasn't enough. Being able to Nico is to keep walking down that hall with idea's roaming in your eyes, and a mouthful of happiness that's waiting to be talked about.

Nico, is really all about realizing thing's you thought you realized before, but no. Its not like that. Nico is something special, once the idea of wanting happiness, but not like striving for it. Nico comes in time, you have to work for it. Once you are able to go to sleep, and think to yourself "life is good" than you have reached Nico. Nico affects your life more than you think. Stupid problems seem to fade, or become pointless. Nico smoothes everything out for you. Nico is utter blissfulness.

I really owe my idea of life to Stephen Christian. No, he didn't teach me this idea of Nico. But once stepped on a path for me to follow his in foot steps.

I have all these ambitions and dreams that i want to succeed in. And that's what's wrong with the world. I don't see ambitions or dreams at all, all i see is greed, and ungratefulness. Nico is not about that. And I am glad I have reached Nico, because now I've learned that there is more to living than being alive. Even if im 24, with a job at a local coffee shop, and no love life, at least i know, that theres more to living than being alive, and that i can go to sleep, and tell myself that "Life is Good."

To the people that really helped me reach this; Stephen, Bella, Erika, and Nico.

Empty water bottles.

If anyone has ever met me, you know that im a nice, kind type of person.
Not usually angry or mad at someone.

But at this moment, im just so fucking pissed at EVERYONE.
Honestly, everyone just complains, complains, complains, oh and complains.
I hate how nobody uses common sense anymore.
Nobody is willing to think rationally to save their lives.
Everything these days has to be some complicated and SOOOO complex.

Honestly, i hate the people who say they care about life, but in reality, they just don't care on how they live it. It's those people who don't strive for anything, and don't look for the future are the people that piss me off.
Or its the people who have so much potential and you try and help them, but they don't even listen to you.


All of you are empty water bottles to me.
Once full of life, but now are just worthlessly laying on the ground.
Maybe you'll look back and realize that you should really listen to me.
Push that pride or stubbornness to the side.

I Know I Didn't Say Enough.

But who say's you can't go forcing love?

Shady Business.

Well, I feel like I'm constantly restricted by shadows, and I've climbed some mountains that i thought I'd never tackle. But lately I've been feeling as if I'm a terrible person. Even though one on one, I'm a great person. and i know it. But I've also realized I'm a horrible person.

I've always felt like I've tried to separate myself from alot of people, and i still feel as if i have. but yesterday i felt as if i was the most horrible person. I mean it wasn't really that bad. I just didn't realize i could be that rude... when i tried. I always felt as if i was a really nice person, and a good hearted person. But yesterday i realized that I'm just human and every one had a dark side.

I think i don't like being confronted with things I've done wrong, and that's my problem. I should fix that.
But i live in this shady world, this empty world, just because I'm so careful to make sure i hurt nobody, but when i do, shit... ha. I mean I'm not a bad person. I'm usally the one telling people to be nicer to people. But maybe I'm just being a hypocrite. when i can't be nice to one person. Ahhhhhhhh, I'll never be able to tell you why i do those things i do. Because i don't even know.

But god, I'm trying to a be even a better person.
And I'll try as hard as i can.



Peace,
ZarinaK

Alive In Wild Paint.

I've been reading alot of blogs lately, and they're all the same.
Everyone not feeling like they belong anywhere. Wanting to hide, and find the world.
But how can you find the world, when you're hiding? If all anyone does is sit.
Why would you expect the world to come to you?
When it already has. You took a step on this world. The world have given you a place to step.
Repay it back by appreciating it. Not by complaining.

Stay positive.

Now, I don't want to be the person who gives you advice when you probably don't even want to hear it. But all I hear out of people this day and age is, "Nothing is good, I hate my life." When they perfectly know their lives are amazing. Once you learn to love your life, people will start appreciating you. If they aren't, then they need to learn the same thing you should. Live your life.


But don't look at life as "I should live everyday as if it's my last day on earth."
But you should look at life as "I could die tomorrow, I should make a difference in each day. Even if that mean's just waking up with a smile."

Personally I wouldn't want to die being known as "the badass who Over Dosed on drugs."
I would rather die known as "the girl who gave me a friendly hello, and inspired me to do more with my life."

Im not ganna walk this earth killing myself with drugs and alcohol. I would rather make people happy, and glad they're alive. I would love to just to make this world alive again.
Even things we take for granted.




"The sky was cold-fire sunrise, the clouds alive in wild paint, but all of it blurred in the dynamite crescendo."


Peace,
ZarinaK